Unable to Sleep
by little-world
Summary: Jess thinks about her feelings for Zubin


Jess sighs as she sits up, scraping her hair out of her face, and slowly climbs out of bed, grabbing a jumper and a pair of joggers as she does so. She makes her way to the font door and quietly closes it behind her, trying not to wake Lisa and Donna. It is half past two in the morning after all, but Jess can't sleep. She's been lying there in the dark for hours now, unable to sleep, unable to stop thinking about things. Maybe some fresh air will help clear her mind, she thinks.

She makes her way out onto the street and crosses over to the park, where she carefully perches on one of the swings, and slowly starts to rock gently back and forth. Her damp shoes from the dewy grass glisten in the moonlight, but she doesn't notice. She's got too much on her mind. As she sits, swinging in the gentle breeze she's reminded of her childhood, of how she used to love going to the park and loved it even more when her dad used to push her on the swings. A smile begins to creep across her face as she starts to remember the time when they went to the park and her dad's friend and his daughter came too, and that's when the tears begin to silently roll down her face. She's remembering happy times, but she knows that what she thinks and feels now about that same man, who used to push her on the swing as a child, is wrong. She's not meant to have these feelings towards him. She can't. She mustn't be in love with him. With Zubin. It's wrong, she tells herself. He's her dads friend, she used to sit on his knee, he used to push her on the swings, take her for ice-cream, he's old enough to be her father, he's older than her father, she's not supposed to feel this way about him, she's not supposed to want to be with him every second of every day, her stomach isn't supposed to tie itself in knots whenever she sees him, she's not supposed to want him to kiss and touch her passionately. She's not supposed to be in love with him. But she is, and as much as she's tried, she can't get rid of those feelings, stop herself feeling and thinking this way about him. Stop herself loving him.

As a teenager she was once told, by her own father that you can't help who you fall in love with. Jess never believed him. She thought that he was just trying to make excuses about his latest failed marriage. She always believed, always told herself, that you have choices in life and it's up to you, you have the power to control your thoughts, feelings and actions if you really want to. As she sits there in the crisp midnight air, under the bright moonlight she realises she now knows what he meant all those years ago, and she cant believe how she was ever that naive, that she ever thought that she would be able to not fall in love with someone just because of the circumstances. She wishes that he was wrong and that her simple view on love was right, as she sits there and thinks about Zubin. If it were right, then she wouldn't be feeling like this now. She would be able to sleep, and she wouldn't be in turmoil over how she felt. When most people fall in love, because that's what she is, in love, they are happy, other people are happy for them, things are simple, but things aren't like that for Jess. Whatever happens, whatever she does, she knows that someone will end up getting hurt. If she pursues her feelings for Zubin her dad will get hurt and it could ruin her relationship, and Zubin's friendship, with him, yet if she doesn't act on her feelings, she will get hurt. She will ache every time she sees him, hears his voice, even just the thought of knowing that he is nearby, and yet having to hide her feelings would tear her apart, make her feel as though she is deceiving people. She knows that seeing him with other women would make her jealous and envious, and not being able to talk to anyone, tell them how she's feeling, let it all out, would make her go insane, make herself ill bottling it all up. At least if she were to have a relationship with him, and it didn't work out, it would be easier to move on, knowing that they tried, but it wasn't to be, rather than always wondering. Always having the "what if's?". Never knowing if she missed her one chance of ever being truly happy. And always having the thought of him in the back of her mind. But how could she ever really possibly have a relationship with him? she thinks. There are too many obstacles in the way, her father being the most notable. If she and Zubin did try and make a go of it and it didn't work out, then where would she be? She would have lost her father, for the rest of her life, all for the sake of a few weeks with Zubin. Is Zubin really worth that much? she asks herself. Sometimes she believes he is. When she sees him, hears his voice, watches him smile, is reminded of how kind he is, she believes that it would be worth it. But other times, times like now, she's not so sure. When she looks at the bigger picture, at all the mess it would cause, looks at all the possible outcomes, she has doubts. Doubts about whether her feelings and happiness should be the prime factor.

As the breeze begins to pick up she shivers, bringing her back to the here and now, and she realises that it has started to rain. She wipes the newly fallen raindrop from her nose, gets up from the swing and slowly starts wandering back across the field to her flat. She still hasn't really decided what to do or cleared her mind, but she knows that she must get some sleep before her shift starts in the morning. She realises that no matter how she feels, and what she does about Zubin, there are bigger worries in the world. The patients that she will see tomorrow may be fighting for their life. Relatives wondering if their loved ones will survive. They're the people she must focus on now. Not Zubin. At least she might be able to fix their worries and problems, even if she can't figure out her own.


End file.
